Nonviolent Communication - An Introduction
Wayland Myers March 5, 2024
Of the millions of species that have come, gone, and are alive today, why are we the ones that are the most successful, capable, and dominant? It's a question that may or may not ever find its answer but one track of our evolutionary development is quite different from any other species.
Throughout our history, the traits, mutations, inclinations, and cultural practices that improved our abilities to get along and helped sustain group cohesion have been retained, improved, and passed onto future generations - over, and over, and over. Our species has become successful at living in groups of ever-increasing size, complexity, and composition, and we are enjoying the tremendous benefits this makes possible. We are not alone in these skills nor in their benefits, just ask the ants, bees, and termites.
Alfabeto in sogno (1683), Giuseppe Maria Mitelli
So, if the human tree has been growing and evolving for a very long time, and over those millennia, our abilities to get along have passed along and improved, then why are we experiencing such serious divides today? My thoughts are that although our bodies might be done evolving the neurological and sensory capacities needed to help us coexist with each other, the evolution of the emotional, intellectual, and sociological wisdom and skills still has a ways to go. The practice and approach to interpersonal communication known as Nonviolent Communication is offered here as a contribution to that tract of our evolution.
In the 1960s and 70s, Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist, developed a communication methodology called Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC is a set of concepts and recommendations designed to help us think, speak, and listen in ways that awaken compassion within ourselves and between us. It is concerned with increasing mutual understanding and respect for differences, and inspiring people to cooperate for the betterment of each. Its goal is to leave us feeling whole and connected, and to ensure our motivations for helping ourselves and each other are not borne of fear, obligation, or guilt, but because helping has become the most fulfilling activity we can imagine. From experience, it can be truly life changing.
Marshall dedicated his life to traveling the world, helping countless individuals and groups resolve conflicts, and teaching NVC to tens of thousands of people. His gentle, profoundly insightful, and healing soul is missed by many.
“Its goal is to leave us feeling whole and connected, and to ensure our motivations for helping ourselves and each other are not borne of fear, obligation, or guilt, but because helping has become the most fulfilling activity we can imagine.”
Intimacy
There is an old saying that intimacy means “into me see.” I think it describes precisely how humans go about creating a sense of connection with each other. It's been well documented, and it is clear from experience, that the most powerful thing we can do to create bonds with others is to reveal something we feel vulnerable about. To tell people how we truly feel about someone, something we're embarrassed about, what we dearly desire, the dreams we hope to fulfill, or the ones we criticize ourselves for having is how we can become closer to others. This is exactly what Nonviolent Communication tries to accomplish.
Nonviolent Communication goes about this by helping us maintain the focus of our conversation on life-enhancing issues. It grounds us specifically in people's well-being and how to improve it, rather than the evaluative issues of right, wrong, who's to blame, or what people should do. Its concepts and recommendations help us remember the important points and critical tasks that can inspire compassion, connection, and generosity in our relationships, and it helps us regain these when they are temporarily lost.
One of the most beautiful things about NVC is that its successful use doesn't require that both people use it. I've used it successfully with many people who know nothing of NVC. Working to avoid thinking and speaking in ways that can create trouble also helps me minimize being triggered when the other person engages in them, and together, that makes a huge difference.
Here is NVC’s first recommendation.
The Practice of Nonviolent Communication
Try to avoid using forms of expression that generate pain in the listener, as this decreases the likelihood of a constructive and mutually beneficial connection being made. Two categories of behaviors are well-known to have this effect.
The first is the moralistic appraising of another’s behavior, feelings, values, ideas, or choices as right/wrong, good/bad, reasonable/unreasonable, or fair/unfair and then sharing our appraisal with them! Moralistic judgments are not only liable to generate emotional pain but also serve as invitations to engage in stressful, often dead-ended debates.
The second category of connection-inhibiting behavior is when we try to get people to do what we want by asking for it in ways that deny them a choice; for example, telling them what they should or are supposed to do, that we have a right to it, or trying to manipulate them via threats or guilt trips.
Sadly, we encounter these forms of speech and methods of behavioral coercion often, and equally sadly, we use them ourselves. How could we not because these methods are what we have been taught and are the norms in many cultures. NVC provides us with an alternative way to achieve even better results.
In the next installment, I’ll detail the concepts and recommendations that constitute the practice of Nonviolent Communication.
Wayland Myers, Ph.D. is a psychologist who writes books and articles on Nonviolent Communication and other applications of compassion. He was introduced to the Nonviolent Communication process in 1986 by its creator Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, and has since used it extensively in his personal and professional lives with profound and deeply valued results.
