The Power of Shame
Detail from ‘Ashes’, Edvard Munch. 1895.
Suzanne Stabile February 6, 2025
There are times when I teach Enneagram Wisdom and I become aware that I sound like I’m offering an answer to managing all the things that make life complicated and painful. That may sound somewhat arrogant, but the truth is, it’s exactly what I’m doing. After thirty years of teaching and studying the Enneagram, it is clear to me that using it every day changes your life for the better. Enneagram wisdom teaches that there are nine ways of seeing and nine ways of processing how we see. We can change what we do with how we see, but we can never change how we see. Knowing that alone is helpful in identifying some of our responses to life that we would like to change.
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There are multiple sets of three to be found in Enneagram Wisdom. Among them are three Triads and their corresponding Default Emotions. All three Triads revolve around a powerful emotional response. For the Thinking triad, fear is the foundational motivation for behavior. For the Doing triad, anger is always within reach. For the Heart Triad, it is shame that guides the way. Each Enneagram number struggles to understand and manage the dominant or default emotion of the Triad. It is challenging work that never ends.
In this series of articles, I’m exploring the emotions of shame, fear and anger as they relate to Enneagram wisdom. We experience all three, and we need to learn to respect each one and use it for its value, understanding how each can be helpful and can be harmful. We also need to learn to respect the power of each one without allowing it to have unnecessary influence in our lives.
One of the three is the default emotion for each personality type or number in the Enneagram. Enneagram Twos, Threes and Fours make up the Heart triad, and these three personalities, shame dominates how they see themselves, others and the world. So, it’s healthy for us to know what shame looks like.
We live our lives telling stories. My work is to teach, and model, the art of connecting the Enneagram with the stories that make up our lives. In doing so, we can “find ourselves” both in the present and the past, and we can also imagine ourselves in new ways as we look to the future.
According to the work of Curt Thompson, M.D., there is a story we tell ourselves about shame, and there is a story that shame tells about us. I’m a Two on the Enneagram and I was adopted at birth. Part of the story shame tells about me, in relation to my birth narrative, is that I am not good, not wanted and not enough. It is challenging to live with the never-ending premise that we are fundamentally unworthy, inadequate and flawed but Enneagram Twos, Threes, and Fours have no other option
Unlike guilt, which is about what we do,shame is about who we are. One might feel guilty about telling a lie to a friend, yet feel shame about being the kind of person who would do such a thing. In the same way, we feel embarrassed because we think we look bad and feel shame because we think we are bad.
Expulsion from the Garden of Eden, Masaccio. 1425.
In her work, Brene’ Brown suggests that we need to know these three things about shame. First, we all have it. Second, we are all afraid to talk about it. Third, the less we talk about it the more control it has over our lives. Brown suggests that “shame is the fear of disconnection.” Keeping in mind that it is the default emotion for The Heart triad, it makes sense that the personality types that most want connection would be the perfect target for shame.
A 2011 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, along with other agencies, found that, “as far as the brain is concerned physical pain and intense experiences of social rejection hurt in the same way.” Think about that! We’ve all experienced shame and often, in trying to talk about it, we describe it using language such as “intensely painful” or “unbelievably exhausting”, because that is literally how it feels.
If everything contains its opposite, what then could be the purpose of shame? Like anger and fear, it is most often a negative emotion. And yet, some professionals say we need to acknowledge that both sides are necessary if we are to function in the healthiest ways possible. In looking back over your own life, I would suggest that there are ways that shame, though painful, has been helpful.
“When we tell our own stories, including the parts we are ashamed of, we get to write the ending.”
Shame can be preventative, helping us to avoid repeating mistakes. It can be helpful in our learning to take responsibility for our actions. And it can provide us with the desire to question ourselves, and the actions we take that have a history of leading us toward regrettable behaviour.
Yet too much shame is overwhelming.. As a Two, I find it to be like a hologram. It looks like me and it shows up, unbidden and unwanted. These days, I question the hologram when she approaches, knowing that she wants to move in and cover me. “Did I behave in ways that caused harm?”, I ask. If the answer is “no” then I move on. If the answer is “yes” then I consider whether it would be harmful if repeated.
We must move through the experience of shame without sacrificing our value or our values. If we address shame appropriately, the experience and lessons offered can be very helpful. The most effective practice I have found for holding the hologram at bay is to know, own, and tell my story honestly. When we tell our own stories, including the parts we are ashamed of, we get to write the ending. Shame hates to have other words wrapped around it. Especially words that would show it for what it is. For obvious reasons our tendency is to hide it but shame is a big emotion that gains strength in the dark and shrinks in the light.
For Enneagram Twos, Threes and Fours shame is always in the wings, just off stage, waiting to enter the story of your life at any moment. Some common expressions of shame as named by Twos are feelings of inadequacy and being unable to live up to expectations. . Twos tell me that when they look inside themselves it’s a struggle to feel joy or pride, they feel I feel inferior to most of the people, and wonder if God is disappointed in them.
Threes express to me that it is common for them to say to themselves, “I am a fake. I feel like if people really knew me, they might have contempt for me. I’m not as successful as I pretend to be.” Fours tell me they feel flawed inside, like they are blemished in some meaningful way. They say they are sure they will never measure up to what they ought to be. “I feel as if I will never be acceptable. I am always either too much or not enough.”
Lucretia, Rembrandt van Rijn. 1666.
Feelings are messy for all of us, but they are particularly problematic for those who are in this triad. Of the three Enneagram Triads, the Heart Triad is the least capable of rational thinking, and shame thrives off irrationality. Often, it is difficult for all of us to distinguish multiple feelings as they flow in and out of our awareness but for Twos, Threes and Four it is particularly challenging because Twos feel other people’s feelings. They will often be unsure of their own feelings, but they read the feelings of others whether they want to or not.
Threes find that feelings interfere with their top two priorities, efficiency and effectiveness. They set them aside waiting for a more convenient time to address them. Unfortunately, that time seldom presents itself to the number that is the best at multitasking. Fours are not content with average feelings. As a result, they find ways to exacerbate feelings so that when they are sad, they can be sadder; and when they are happy, they can engineer ways to be happier.
Shame finds a home in these three Enneagram types because as long as we identify with our number, with our personalities, something deeper goes unaffirmed. Of course, there are three different solutions to this dilemma. Twos begin by creating and identifying with a false reality. “I love everybody.” But we don’t. We follow that with going out of our way to please others so they will like us, and we end up resenting that. Threes have their own false identity which is, “I am successful.” They maintain the image by under-reporting or reframing failure. And they use their energy to become outstanding in every way they can, hoping to avoid failure so they will be admired and affirmed. Fours create a false identity around an image of uniqueness and their own understanding of authenticity. That sense of who they are is usually accompanied by an elaborate story about themselves that doesn’t hold up under scrutiny.
At the end of the day, these three numbers struggle to believe that they have value. So, the agendas of their personalities are about hiding that lack of value from others and more importantly from themselves. As a Two this is a very personal part of the journey for me. I still have so much to understand about the shadows of shame. But there is one thing I know for sure: the antidote for shame is found in learning to fulfill your needs from the inside out rather than from the outside in.
Suzanne Stabile is a speaker, teacher, and internationally recognized Enneagram master teacher who has taught thousands of people over the last thirty years. She is the author of ‘The Path Between Us’, and coauthor, with Ian Morgan Cron, of ‘The Road Back to You’. She is also the creator and host of The Enneagram Journey podcast. Along with her husband, Rev. Joseph Stabile, she is cofounder of Life in the Trinity Ministry, a nonprofit, nondenominational ministry committed to the spiritual growth and formation of adults.
